my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
