I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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