Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Found the puke drawer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
