peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize