the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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