So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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