We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My bed smells like the plague
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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