At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
