Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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