In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
