im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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