Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
