you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Shame is for Republicans.
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