I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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