Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
