he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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