I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
