Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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