Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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