im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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