yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
