so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
