My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
