Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
