I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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