never play flip cup with pint glasses
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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