I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
