it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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