We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
