Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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