Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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