Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
