he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
