If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
