thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
