I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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