You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
