I puked a lego.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
