Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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