is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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