1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize