I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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