The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
