Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
