im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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