What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
