I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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