Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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