literally had 100 drinks last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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