the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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