I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
