If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
