I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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