How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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