Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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