I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
