Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
