Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
