I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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