If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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