Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
