i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
True strength comes from lack of pants
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize