mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i think i have two assholes
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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