i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
