What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
