I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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