hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
